I have dreamt of such a time as this for a while. The excitement, the anxiousness......... the confusion?
I am so excited to get started with all the preparations for these trips that will take place in the next few years. I have been reading the Haitian news, watching documentaries and trying to find classes for Haitian Creole. This. Is. EXCITING!
I am anxious to get there. It seems as if I am in a hurry to meet with a long lost friend or a relative I haven't seen in a long time. I get nervous of how I am going to feel when I set step onto Haitian land. It's crazy but I can't wait to go! It's as if I was created for such a time as this! My heart races and my mind goes wild trying to imagine how it all feels. It: the pain of the people, the smiles of the children that cling on to hope, the rubble, the everything! It's incredible that a person wants to so anxiously go to a place were there is disease, pain, loss, and so much less of what we have here in the United States. I may sound crazy especially to so many of my friends but I just can't wait! April 9th seems so far away.
But amongst all this excitement and anxiousness there is also confusion! I am completely confused about so many things. I am confused (as always and as many know me) of my role in Haiti. What is God's purpose? Why all this fire in me for this nation? What can I help with? What is God up to in my life? Quite honestly, God scares me. He tends to know how to flip my life upside down. I'm not complaining in any matter just confused of what can I possibly be of service to a country with such great needs. Now I know I'm NOT going to be this great thing that transforms Haiti to a nation of prosperity and I know I am NOT any kind of savior BUT I do know that Haiti is going to do something extraordinary in my life. What? I don't know.
I am also very confused about the logistics of this new venture. Maybe it's not confusion maybe it's fear. Yes, FEAR..... the four letter word that I despise and so often feel. Fear to fail..... yes.... fear to fail (as always). Fear to fail at my 10 trip commitment to this country and my God. Making a commitment has always brought fear unto me. Do you fear commitment? I do! Truly I dislike committing. I like just going with the flow most of the time but when it comes to a commitment to God, I'm pretty extreme! Maybe to the point of legalism. HA! Yes legalism. I tend to be a little bold with my God and for His mission. Truly I am confused of how will I ever learn this language that sounds somewhat Spanish somewhat English? How will I travel and fund raise to maintain these trips? Here I am trying to start a family and starting my mission field too?
And then I read this: