Walking in Love, Humbly and Faith With God

Walking in Love, Humbly and Faith With God

In December when I started to pack and fundraise for these 32 days I was reading Exodus and came across the verse:

“If your presence will not go with me, do not bring us up from here.
Exodus 33:15

Instantly I knew that was going to be my prayer. I will not move one step without you if His presence is not wit me I am not going anywhere.

I’ve always been a “fan” if you can say of verses that have the word “walk” like:
 Walk with love:

And this is love: that we walk in obedience to his commands. As you have heard from the beginning, his command is that you walk in love.
(2 John 1:6 NIV)

Walk by faith:

For we walk by faith, not by sight.
 2 Corinthians 5:7

Walk humbly:

And what does the Lord require of you?
To act justly and to love mercy
and to walk humbly with your God.
Micah 6:8

 

In the past two years they became more than feel good verses or declarations of my faith but a real defiance towards a physical condition that threatens my ability to walk. I hear myself saying; “ I will WALK with love”, “ I will WALK by faith”, “I will WALK humbly with my God.” It was no different with this trip.

In the back of my mind as I prepared for this trip I had a little fear (a little lie) in the back of my mind, “What if I get a flare from my Rheumatoid? What will I do (without Obe)? How will I not draw negative attention to my time there? How will I recover? How much medicine should I take with me? What if my spinal stenosis or herniated discs or whatever cause my left leg to hurt and limit my abilities to be with the kids?”

 You see the enemy tried everything to stop me from coming. He raised many fears, doubts in me and even in my God. He brought people against me and tried to feed me lies about myself. I related a lot with Moses and now I look back on my timing in reading Genesis and Exodus and know God needed to tell me:

-          Yes, you may think you are not sufficient:

Exodus 3:10 But Moses pleaded with the Lord, “O Lord, I’m not very good with words. I never have been, and I’m not now, even though you have spoken to me. I get tongue-tied, and my words get tangled.”

-          Yes, you have a past that can try to come haunt you

Exodus 2:11 Many years later, when Moses had grown up, he went out to visit his own people, the Hebrews, and he saw how hard they were forced to work. During his visit, he saw an Egyptian beating one of his fellow Hebrews. ¹² After looking in all directions to make sure no one was watching, Moses killed the Egyptian and hid the body in the sand.

-          Yes, you need others to help you:

Exodus 17:11 As long as Moses held up the staff in his hand, the Israelites had the advantage. But whenever he dropped his hand, the Amalekites gained the advantage. ¹² Moses’ arms soon became so tired he could no longer hold them up. So Aaron and Hur found a stone for him to sit on. Then they stood on each side of Moses, holding up his hands. So his hands held steady until sunset. ¹³ As a result, Joshua overwhelmed the army of Amalek in battle.

-          And yes, I Am is with you.

Exodus 3:14 God replied to Moses, “I Am Who I Am. Say this to the people of Israel: I Am has sent me to you.” ¹⁵ God also said to Moses, “Say this to the people of Israel: Yahweh, the God of your ancestors—the God of Abraham, the God of Isaac, and the God of Jacob—has sent me to you.

          This is my eternal name, my name to remember for all generations.

Today I give thanks I WALK with Him and He WALKS with me.

 

 

“I Don’t Have a Self”- Madam Yanik Joseph

 

During these past 17 days I have had the fortune of getting to know a woman I met exactly a year ago a little more. I have enjoyed hearing her laughter and also about her heart from her heart. I have had many conversations as we drink hot chocolate together or as we lock arms and walk together on a dirt road.

 

One of the things God put in my heart while looking forward to this time in Haiti was to be a friend to Madam Yanik. She is the pastor’s wife here at One Family and also the one who is called Mommy by 48 kids, the one that makes sure every meal is clean and prepared properly, the one who makes sure all guest rooms are clean and disinfected for teams coming in, the one who catches a couple hours of sleep here and there while she aids her husband in all she can with the church, school and orphanage. A very tired woman whom you may not see preaching or thriving for titles on stages but you see everyday, every hour and every minute of the day and night carrying a child, giving medicine to a child, nurturing a child or feeding a child. THIS is a woman I admire and I wanted to get to know more and be the friend God wanted me to be to her. One who listens, laughs and hopefully encourages her.

 

I’ve been studying the life of David while in Haiti and this past week I came across the story of Jonathon and David. The Bible says:

“As soon as he had finished speaking to Saul, the soul of Jonathan was knit to the soul of David, and Jonathan loved him as his own soul. ² And Saul took him that day and would not let him return to his father's house. ³ Then Jonathan made a covenant with David, because he loved him as his own soul. ⁴ And Jonathan stripped himself of the robe that was on him and gave it to David, and his armor, and even his sword and his bow and his belt.”

Right away Jonathon loved David and committed himself, his friendship and even gave him his belongings. The belongings of a prince to a sheep shepherd?

 

 I thought of many friends the Lord has gifted me in my life. Many people came to mind, some whom I immediately felt a love for and some whom I grew to love and either way I have been blessed abundantly with friends who have turned into sisters. Sisters who love, encourage me and pray for me. Sisters I cry with and celebrate with. I have committed myself to love friends some easy to love and some a little challenging to understand but I have committed my love and friendship.

 

I know the blessings that come with friendships and I really hoped that I can be a blessing to Madam Yanik whom also is a pastor’s wife, whom also does all the behind the scenes things that no one sees, whom also only has one son and is “etranje” (foreigner) in her own people. Many of these things can lead us to a lonely place a place where we feel we “have no self”. This is a place where we continually serve our communities, our congregations or our husbands and end up feeling like “I don’t have a self.” I have felt that many times but in many instances friends and my time with them give me myself back to me again. This is a relationship where I don’t have to serve,  just enjoy and love and be free with.

I pray this time in Haiti is the foundation of great relationships with the children, some of the church members but mostly with Madam Yanik, whom I have “knit” my soul to her soul as I have had the privilege to do so with other women in my life.

 

 

First day of second week, First day without Americans

 

There so many things I have touched, smelled, tasted, heard, and seen this past week such as;

 

Smelled: This I have to admit is probably the most challenged of the senses in Haiti. It’s very difficult to find a pleasant smell in Haiti. I was really looking forward for the jasmine tree in the compound to be in bloom this time as it was in August that gave me a great escape then. Here goes, I have definitely smelled every odor the human body can produce more than I care to admit. Moving on….

 

Tasted: I have tasted every way beans and rice can be possibly made, I have tasted goat in various ways but I have to say last night’s was the best, fruit juices made of “grenadia”, pineapple, and grapefruit (yummmm), fried okra which I enjoyed a little too much and the awesomeness of Coca Cola in a bottle.

 

Heard: I have heard cows, goats, hammers on a tin roof, men cheering the Super Bowl game, children singing every morning and every night, drums, car horns galore and worshipping like I will probably never hear at home.

 

Touched: I have felt the hugs and kisses of many children every day, dirt everywhere, and have held the hand of a woman as I walked (something very common in Guatemala and Haiti as I am sure many other countries).

 

Seen: I have seen generosity in many areas from different people. I witnessed a four year old share his half slice of bread with peanut butter shared with three of his little friends during recess. Also I admired a teenager save his granola bar we gave them one night for a friend, to gift it as a birthday present. I have seen two teams from CCC one caught vision and one built a goat farm. I have seen beautiful mountains make sunrises and sunsets much more stunning. I also have seen an eight year old girl get dropped off (abandoned)  at a Children’s Home because it is safer to let her go to an orphanage than to have her live in a tent city risking to get raped. She has never gone to school, she saw her mother walk away and not know if she’s coming back or who she is living with at the age of eight. I saw her walk into the girls’ room get a bunk assigned to her as she carried one tote with all her belongings.

 

I’ve also had great conversations with Madame Yanik, the pastor’s wife. We have talked about life, ministry, and she has shared many stories about the kids. Sometimes I have walked away laughing but many times I have walked away wanting to hide in a corner, weep and not know anymore of their hardships. The stories of these kids are hard, ugly and beyond what my mind can process. I have definitely proved that ignorance is bliss, I have only been here a week and sometimes wonder if it had been better to not know.

 

Please continue praying for my safety and my health. I write this as my knees, ankles and toes are throbbing through the swollenness from the hardship of walking in the rocks and dirt.

 

Immersed,

J

 

 

Heart & Soul

 

While in Haiti these 32 days I will be immersing my mind and body in learning life in Haiti. A life that is  hard work, full of struggles and challenges. In these past 3-4 days I have learned to live in much simpler conditions than in America. I’ve had to learn to do laundry in a bucket daily, learn to live without a dresser and limited storage, with the constant presence of dust and dirt (which in turn makes me sweep & dust a lot) and a bathroom sink that continually runs out of water and leaks. I have learned a few more words and songs in Creole. I have learned to start my days when the sun rises and go to sleep as the sun sets. I have learned to take advantage of every minute of electricity to charge electronics, FaceTime with my husband, check Facebook J, and sit in front of a fan and enjoy a fresh breeze on my sweaty face. I’m reading books about Haiti’s history, about children in Haiti and earthquake stories. So many things my mind and body have gained knowledge.

 

While in Haiti I will also be immersing heart & soul in my Lord, the love of my life. I will be doing a bible study daily, in the solitude of my room, about King David. Today was Day 1 of “David, seeking a heart like His” and the story starts in 1 Samuel 14, and it talks about King Saul’s son, Jonathon, who later becomes a great friend of David and this verse jumped out and hit me: 

And his armor-bearer said to him, “Do all that is in your heart. Do as you wish. Behold, I am with you heart and soul.” – 1 Samuel 14:7

Jonathon is going to battle with the Philistines and his armor- bearer pledges (and gives) his life to Jonathon to do as he wished! How does Jonathon respond? “Behold, we will cross over to the men” Pretty much “OK, we’re going to battle!” A few things touched my heart but I will share three:

1-      The surrendered heart of the arm-bearer; no will, no hesitations, no questions, nothing. “Do all that is in YOUR heart. Do as YOU wish.” How many times don’t I question, fear and fight against His will in my life? Countless. How many times should I answer as the arm-bearer but then choose to say no to God? Not only that, he gave his “heart & soul”! “I am with you HEART & SOUL!”  How do we get to that place?

2-      The arm-bearer’s response assured Jonathon, “he is all in with me”, ok let’s go to battle! The same way God is waiting for that surrendered heart and then and only then can He use us for all that is in His heart and in His wishes. 

3-      ‘The arm bearer followed behind Jonathon. His master led him into battle’ and then the battle was won.  How many times has the Lord let me know, “I lead, you follow”? How many times do I miss it? How many times does He have to tell me? I don’t know but I am thankful He doesn’t give up pursuing me and wanting me to be ALL His so He can do all that is in His heart with me.

 

I am so grateful that He goes before me.

 

From Haiti,

Jack

 

 

32 Days in Haiti

 

As I write this, I am sitting at an airport in Fort Lauderdale waiting for my connecting flight to arrive in Haiti where I will be living for the next 32 days. 32 days! I am excited, I am nervous, and yes I am already missing my husband.

 

In January 2012, I was on my last day in Haiti on a mission trip and my leader asked us to write out a BIG dream about our Haiti journey in our journals. At the time I dreamt about a time where I could come to Haiti and learn about culture, language and life in Haiti. I am those kinds of people that don’t learn by books or presentations. I learn by stories, experiences, and emotions. I am a “feeler” and not the intellectual type. So I wrote the BIG dream out and put it at the feet of Jesus, surrendered it to Him.

 

 I returned to Haiti in May and again it tugged at me and so I decided to start conversations with the leaders of 1013 Missions and One Family of how that would look? What would I do? Learn? After a few conversations I felt it was a BIG dream turning into a plan so I started asking people to help me pray about it. The more time passed the more evident it was that I was going to Haiti.

The other big question is how do I tell Obe and ask for his blessing about what God was tugging at me with? At first, he really thought I was crazy, but then he went crazy with me in supporting me and encouraging me and putting aside the sacrifice of not being together for 32 days. Then fear on my side kicked in because you see, Obe is not just a husband that goes to work and privides the needs of the house; he is my best friend, my care taker when I am flared with RA, he is the one who is my strong companion and my number one encourager. He really helps me up when I am down and lifts me up when I can't no more. Then the question rose up in me, "How will I survive without him?" Well God answered that really quick, "WITH ME!"

 

Praying. Planning. Praying. Doubting. Praying. Fear. Praying. Doubting. That’s how it went for the next 6 months. By December, I was almost convinced I was doing the wrong decision on going to Haiti. I was between moves, chaos with my son and in the midst of a BIG dream for my church. One night I said, “God, I am almost convinced that I am not going to Haiti but I will put the ask out for funding my trip if you provide, I will know I should go.” I knew the enemy was at work with fear, doubt and even lies of not being chosen for this task and I also knew my God is greater than that so I threw it out there. 72 hours later I had raised the cost of my ticket and bought my ticket costing $200 less than I have ever paid. In three weeks I had raised the total cost of the trip and all the supplies needed and then some. God had showed up in an extravagant way!

 

Thirty days later to the day I am on a plane en route to Croix de Bouquets, Haiti with all my luggage to live there for 32 days! 32 days! Yes, 32 days without my family, without my dear and loving husband, without my bed, my home, my church family and without my son and granddaughter. How? Why? What are you thinking? Are some of the questions I have been asked these past few months, I will try to answer them next.

 

How?

How did I decide to leave all that is familiar and go to the unfamiliar? By prayer and knowing I am a follower of Jesus. I go where he leads and I go ALL IN. I don’t know how I am able to that? All, I know is that He fuels my desires to continue learning about a country who’s language I am challenged to learn. I know He has a plan and it’s not up to me to know it or give my opinion, I must obey and execute whatever His plans are for me. I know that before I was even created in my mother’s womb, He had all my days planned out already and so it is with Faith in Him that is how I GO, BE, and LEARN.

 

Why?

I believe that to further strengthen the commitment, that God put in my heart, I must learn more of Haiti from Haiti. From her challenges, struggles, beauty, hardships, and her celebrations. Why did Obe and I move into Aurora and leave our family where we didn’t know anyone? To BE WITH the people of Aurora. Her challenges are our challenges, her victories are our victories. I believe to learn I must submerge for now since I can’t relocate (yet J).

 

What am I thinking?

Honestly, I am not. I am just following His lead.

 

 

I am thankful that He has chosen me to have the honor to live with other Haitians, with 48 children that I will get to love and nurture, and the privilege to serve and love others as myself. I am thankful that He desires for me to learn more, for me to feel more, and even to break my heart more. I am thankful for each person that believed in me and God’s plans for me and gave generously, prayed fervently and encouraged me to go beyond my imagination. I am thankful for Obe, my husband, who supports me and never says no to God’s dream in me and allows me to be ALL IN with Jesus, with Mission and my Generosity.

 

There will be many sacrifices and times of maybe frustrations, loneliness and of missing my family & friends but I could never say no to my Creator and Lover of my Soul. I know God is with me and He knows I would not take one step forward without His presence. So here I go stepping out of the boat or walking into the dessert with HIM.

 

P.S.

Right when I arrived at Haiti, I saw this sign and I asked Pastor Kesnel, "What does it say?" He responded, "God before Everything!" I am thankful the Almighty goes before me.

goodbyes

Saying goodbye continues to be my most challenging time in Haiti. This is my third time in Haiti in 12 months, and it does not get easier. On this trip, I wanted to be more focused on one thing, relationships. I wanted to build a relationship with three young men that had made the effort and of keeping in contact via facebook or The Savini’s from the January trip. In January I met them and I thought of them often. It seems to me that when you visit an orphanage you tend to gravitate to the little cuties knee high. Honestly I do, my maternal desire gravitates to the little bitty ones. But what of the older ones? The ones who have many chores and a lot of children to help care for? So my focus was going to be primarily Eastwood, Josias, Yvens and of coursed I snuck in a big hug with Moles ( who just melts my heart when he sings) and Billie Jean (who I fell in love with instantly in January).
Eastwood and I had agreed that we would meet nightly to learn/ practice English and I learn Creole and that's how it started in the beginning of the week. As the week progressed there was a shift from studying to sharing life. We talked about my piti gason (son) a lot. They were very interested in how he was like, what did he like, what was his style? We talked about music, America, and Haiti. I think of the conversations I have with my son, that sound so different and wonder how could I leave and leave them here. My heart rejoices when I see them playing with Erik, Caleb and Bobby. I marvel at how God brought our three American teens to impact these three Haitian teens and so many more.
Tonight, our last night together, I sat with GiGi (Who's smile and servant heart has stolen the hearts of many of us), Yvens and my very quiet and loving Josias. We sang, cried, prayed and just sat in silence. Josias writes me everyday I am here; Yvens just listens to Eastwood and I when we talk. Eastwood is the one with many questions of America and acts as the protector of Jacqueline a lot. Eastwood seems to be a leader in the pack, he excels in sports, is a great musician and is very smart, he speaks the most English of the three and if he doesn't know he uses my Google translator (if we have internet), my dictionaries or goes finds a translator. One way or another he will get his question answered.
Tonight’s conversations were very sad. Conversations of "don't forget me", "I will miss you", "pray for me" and "I wish I could go with you". I wondered if building relationships here was wise, it's so much easier to just not attach yourself. I wonder if I hurt them more than help? I cried, they cried. I promised, God willing I will come back soon but that did not bring their bright smiles back. Eastwood, retreated to bed early tonight, and maybe it was much better to not go through the goodbye process with him. That goodbye is one I cannot do with composure. Josias, when asked "kouman ou ye?" (How are you?) All he could say in his soft voice, "not good." Nothing more was spoken but his letter tonight was the hardest to read. Yvens, the one I see so alive for God, we prayed for each other in our respective languages and cried. Immediately after our prayer he retreated quickly and went to bed.
Getting to know these young men has inspired me in so many levels. In what may my role be in the lives of young people in my community, in Haiti and specifically in theirs?
My time in Haiti as expected has been fulfilling, it's been a blessing, and has again opened my eyes to more.

Tonight is especially difficult and tomorrow, well tomorrow will not be any better.

Reminded All Things Work Out For My Good

I am very happy to be writing from Haiti tonight! It's been 24 hours of running around packing, driving in crazy weather, lug over a ton of supplies, catching planes, eating, running and then the wheels of the airplane touch down on Haitian land! Oh what a feeling!?

Through all the hustle and bustle of preparing for this trip I was worrying and doubting my effectiveness in Haiti. If I would be able to work, reach, impact anyone in Haiti. I kept thinking of what could keep me from working and tonight the question..."What keeps you from seeking all of God right now?" whoa! It hit me good! MY WORRIES!!! That's what keeps me from soaking in God, soaking in Haiti, soaking in being with Haiti. Tonight as we closed out the long day of travels with some time of worship, God shows up... or I let Him show up in my life and he soothes the aches, the worries, the doubts and whispers in my heart, "There may be pain in the night but joy comes in the morning. I make all things work together for your good."

I'm ready for this week! I am His servant, His Ambassador, His made new daughter and He is my King, my Savior and my Counselor! I am His and He is mine and if He is with me NOTHING can come against me!

I am blessed to spend my first night in Haiti with 9 others on fire for Him!
Blessings!
Jacqueline